Movies I have watched lately.

Cheap Thrills. (2014)

Follows a down on his luck car mechanic aspiring writer, whom after getting fired from his crap job heads to a bar, meets up with a old high school friend and into the abyss of two wealthy strangers looking for a good time.

The 5 Year Engagement (2012)

This story starts as a run of the mill romantic comedy, the on the verge of successful chef meets the on the verge of successful college student.  Her career wins out and they move to Michigan.  He cannot find work suitable to his talents or the pay is far too low.  I fully expected this movie to be like every other movie (and is some ways it was) but it ends up hitting the heart because it deals with expectation on a very real level.  The male character is dealing with some serious loneliness issues and cannot reconcile who is was (and loved) VS who he has become (which he loathes).  To me this was a real and genuine issue for me.



American Ultra (2015)

I really don't like Jesse Eisenberg as an actor, he's not terribly interesting to watch, he's whiny, skid-dish, but the concept behind this movie intrigued me to watch it.  The term Ultra is taken from a real life CIA program code named MK-ULTRA and it involved dosing unsuspecting persons with LSD and observing their behavior and/or attempting to manipulate them, the other arm was using this drug to brain wash and control people to carry out assassinations with the mention of a collection of code words.  The subjects would carry on a normal life unwittingly holding this special training in their mind until they were "activated" by this code.  So Jesse is one of these people, and he's been marked for termination so his handler (who disagrees with the termination order) activates him.  That's it.. The rest is just explosions. but the true to life history was enough to get me to finish the movie.

The Impossible (2013)

Rest

The block is there I'm what 32 now and just seeing it?? I can't even write the words it was hard enough typing it once?! I can't sleep I can't take a pill because I have to get up in a few hours with Judah I don't want to risk him not having someone ā

Do your best

To forget about me Dad.. I don't know why I was a glint in your eye to begin with with. I have no conceivable reason to exist anymore.. I can raise my son and off myself and be done with it.. He's the only reason I want to stay here. Its not that my life is bad it's that I'm empty, I don't give anything I'm just here... Breathing, I'll awake I'm a few hours go to work and drive home and sleep I'll make no difference in anyone's life.. I contribute a schedule for the employees but seriously and literally a program can do that.. I seem to only cause heartache to my amazing wife.. I'm like a stuffed animal that shows up once in awhile to fuck everything up long enough for you to know I was here.. I have no idea what I'm doing here.

Soft

Soft Is the landing I envisioned my life to have

Hard is the reality that I awoke to

Anger is the emotion I feel

Despair in my room with tears mucus cover my pillow

Sinking in the sand is my image of parents

Hope is the word when meeting Beate

Frustration is the word that follows my career

Patience is what I remind myself I need

Focus is a substance I have almost none of

Darkness is this moment my memories of childhood awoke

Shame for that day I let him in

Embarrassment for the story I will have to share

Confusion bounces around like echoes in a cave

Death to this dream I want Resurrection

Thinking

Reading a recent story about a young lady that left Islam shook me. Her descriptive words of shuddering when she walked past a mosque reminded me a little of myself. I cannot compare totally as I'm sure my experiences would pale in comparison but the heart of it rings true. Religion destroys. It filled me with all of the wrong Ideas of God and his presence and destroyed the child-like understanding that I was so longing for all my life. Bitter is the term you are thinking now well maybe some of you and what some of you don't realize is that your not me. There is no possible way for you to comprehend what has happened on the inside of me. Your judgement's are empty. To those that feel what I feel, you are the heroes that I look up to and the small minority in a scattered evangelical wasteland with their litmus tests for authority and biblical orthodoxy that everything but push people away from the loving arms of God and of course I'm being judgmental now but I can admit it. I also can admit that many of the things I believed years ago I no longer do. It's not enough to believe something written in a book "because the bible tells me so". If that is your stance in my opinion you are a weak person that would rather take what someone else tells you than find out for yourself. Seeking the truth is not reading the bible. Seeking the truth is seeking the truth. The methods are varied as is the creator. How can we possibly look at this beautiful world and assume all the answers are in one place? How narrow minded are we? Seek the person, THE truth and trash modern methods they will only put you back into what trapped you the first time.

Freedom

It isn't free. That's what were told. This is true in the context that it's used, men and woman are shipped overseas to fight a primitive enemy that most of us will never see, for reasons we are told are valiant and honorable. Just what are they fighting for? I hear all the time that people that protest military action aren't honoring the fighting men and woman who fight to give them the right to protest but is this really what a person would lay down their life? So people can OCCUPY wall street? Gay pride parades, Right to life organizations? even civil rights? If I were ever in a foxhole having this conversation "why we fight" I don't think that any of these subjects would ever even cross my mind. My beautiful Grandpa whom I barely knew fought the Nazi's. From Belgium into Berlin, The national socialist party which morphed into the Nazi's as we know now from history wanted a new world order, one filled with super Aryans, a genetically superior race that shamed all "Lesser" races. This was an obvious enemy, a clear and present danger as it were. Today the image of America's enemy is diluted and obscure, the populous is suspicious of the Government at large, due in large part to their mishandling of.. well mostly everything! the public is tired, worn, beaten down and disenfranchised; and there is freedom but it's essence is missing... Is is nationalism? Multiculturalism? Most people would probably have a different explanation of what it actually is and frankly who could blame them. For me one aspect of freedom which may sound silly to some of you is the ability to drive across state lines unhindered.. Travel and adventure to me is a part of freedom. As far as the internal mechanics of freedom, I don't know too much about that, you could say I'm still searching and I refuse to accept other's definitions for it unless of course I could learn a bit through their perception.

So many Goals So little talent.

There are days. Like today when every dream, idea or inspired moment i have ever had feels like absolute bollocks. There are plenty that are ridiculous but I think i have had some good one's over the years. The problem it seems is that anything that I have done sucessfully has been through a construct an organization and now without that it all seems like shit. TV is punishment. Punishment for religating my self to the sidelines of life for the sole reason that i don't seem to have what it takes. Every job i get i top out and then passed up for growth every single fucking time. Instead of a college degree which could have possibly helped right now I went to a non accredited bible school. Which impresses absolutly no one.. How do i know this? Well no one has actually said it so.. Proof enough.. Mental illness? that's ridiculous i'm too practical for mental illness.. There are some thing i'm good at or possible good traits.
-I'm Nice
-I shower and am usually clean
-I enjoy and am good at sex

I don't think I can forgive myself for moving here.